Rules of the Open Relationship

Geplaatst op 07-02-2023

This article was originally published on Loveawake California dating site. Reprinted with permission from the author.

I am in an open marriage. However, “open” can be a misnomer. It does not mean “without boundaries” nor does it mean hippie-style “free love.” A better term would be non-monogamy. An open relationship is, at the core, simply an alternative to modern western-civilization-style monogamy. There are many topics on open relationships outside the scope of this post- I’ll have to cover them later. For instance: the benefits of an open relationship, the pros and cons of marriage in general, potential pitfalls, wider cultural implications, and why I created one.

My wife and I both recognized several problems with modern monogamy. It’s a Frankensteinian mashup of Disney movies, leftover Puritan Christian thought, Victorian prudishness, the Baby-Boomer ‘sexual revolution’, divorce, alimony and a culture of porn among other things. Serial monogamy is the new norm- a twilight zone where people “fall in love” but then “fall out of love.” The mythology and the reality have become twisted, and it’s too emotionally upsetting for average people to question it or give it much thought. The “institution” of marriage is really like the elephant from the parable of the blind men. One says it’s a tail, one says it’s a trunk, and one says it’s a leg. People are entering into marriage with different ideas of what their marriage should look like. Furthermore, there is a very convincing case to be made that monogamy is not a natural biological state for humans. And when you examine the holy books of the Abrahamic religions with an open mind, you discover oddities that don’t match up with Evangelical Christian norms. For example, the wisest man to have ever lived, Solomon, having a harem of over 1,000 women.

Having said all that, I don’t want to imply that there aren’t healthy monogamous marriages out there. But universally, I have observed that healthy marriages only exist where both the husband and wife agree on what the elephant is. Certainly, open marriage isn’t for everyone. The end goal for most is to marry someone for life and be sexually faithful with them until death.

I have assembled a list of essentials when constructing an open relationship. However, whether you’re married, in a LTR, or even in a casual arrangement, I encourage you to keep the following points in mind. Obviously, this list is intense and I wrote it with the serious open relationship in mind. You can adapt it to the seriousness of your relationship. By keeping you and your partner on the same page about these points, you will more effectively navigate the murky waters of modern relationships.

You get what you negotiate. Relationships are nebulous, and whatever you can imagine is possible, given the right framework. Don’t assume you and your partner agree on the nature of your relationship, even if you were raised in the same community and religion. Recognizing the constructed nature of relationships is the first step. Don’t assume the culture, state, or church will define your relationship for you. Take charge.
Come to a mutual agreement on boundaries. Non-monogamy can cover a wide variety of scenarios from occasional threesomes to Hugh Hefner and the Girls Next Door. Cover these topics thoroughly:
1. Safety. What constitutes safe sex?
2. Who, what, where and when is acceptable? Examine each of these in detail. Who can each person have sex with? Is sexual contact with men and women both permitted? Are certain social groups off limits, like co-workers? What sexual acts are acceptable? Is this strictly one-on-one sexual encounters or does your spouse have a desire to become a masturbating webcam model? Big difference. Where can sex be had? Is your bedroom off limits for sexual encounters with others? Or is the bedroom the only acceptable venue if your framework is for threesomes only? When are sexual encounters acceptable? Are birthdays and holidays fair game?
Establish communication rules. Decide whether you each have veto power over each other’s sexual encounters. Decide what, if any, communication needs to happen prior to something sexual occurring. Establish how much detail needs to be shared about what you’re doing with others. Finally, you must decide how the nature of your non-monogamy will be communicated with the outside world. How public are you willing to be with this?
Have an exit strategy. If you’re fortunate enough to be in a relationship where you can honestly discuss these points with your partner, and even negotiate non-standard rules, you shouldn’t let any non-monogamous experimentation threaten that relationship. Having a mutual agreement to pull the plug at any time if the foray into open relationships takes a bad turn will go a long ways toward making the experiment a success.